DJOON

This is going to be a long one.

I’ve been invited to DJ at the legendary Djoon club in Paris. It’s exciting to be invited to play at a club that DJ’s respect.

This business for me has a lot of lanes. I’m a singer, songwriter, producer. I’m the many musicians, manager, event promoter, and label partner. That’s the part that, sometimes, kinda sucks in my opinion. I think that people feel comfortable giving a person one title musically. Anymore than one title can be confusing to people, I think.

I’m blessed to hear beautiful comments on my posts all of the time. People send me great notes like, ”I love your song” or “I love your voice.”

That always feels good, but it’s always one thing or the other. LOL. The comments are never for two things. For example, “I enjoyed your voice, and the album mixes sounded great.” Or, “The chord changes are dope, and the bass is dope.”  

Ha!!!! Just a funny observation, but anyway, Paris!!!!!!!!!

September 15, 2023

4:56 p.m.

I’ll be completely transparent with you all, this blog you’re reading at this very moment, is me navigating my way through an anxiety attack. I have anxiety disorder. My anxiety has been controlled for the last 2 years. I take meds, pray and I regularly perform breathing exercises to maintain. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder in June of 2021.

Since then I’ve learned a whole lot about this mental illness. The one thing that I hate more than anything is not being in control of my thoughts. When your thoughts seem to move without you, the feeling is very scary. For example, one thought is, “My back is itching.” Simple thought, right?

Now, here’s that same thought for me when I’m having anxiety. “My back itches, and I can’t get to it because I’m sitting between these two people, but the more I ignore it, the more it itches.” My back seems like it’s itching at its worst ever and in my mind, this is a critical moment. In my mind, this is an EMERGENCY. THAT’S WHAT ANXIETY DOES. It takes regular happenings and turns them into crisis moments.

Now when that happens, my heart begins to speed up. I can feel my heart racing and that’s triggering my thoughts even more. Now my thoughts are “You’re having anxiety!” At this point I’m physically sweating.

Anxiety can take your thoughts and make your body react to them physically. Just like that, I’m now out of control. The lady to my right seems to be annoyed because I keep twitching and moving.

This has happened twice to me today as I travel to Paris. I have a connecting flight to Paris from ATL. When the plane landed in ATL, I had a severe attack before the plane got to the gate. I was feeling like I wanted off of the plane at whatever cost.

What’s worse is that they want everyone seated with seatbelts securely fastened.

To a person going through anxiety disorder, this isn’t an option. I was scared.

I know it seems counterproductive to be scared. However, I was scared because my anxiety usually kicks in around 3 a.m. if it’s going to happen. This is an unusual time.

Now I’m really scared because I have an 8 hour flight to Paris!

How will I make it? Paris? I’m about to be in Paris with this anxiety acting up.

Even worse, an 8 hour flight, stuck in a chair, with an anxiety attack on me. Damn!

I’m now on the Paris flight. Realizing that I’m having issues, I decided to let the stewardess know, and the people that I was sitting next to know as well.

Sometimes, people can help. Human interaction helps big time.

The woman sitting to my left is in her 70s. When I told her about my present condition, her maternal instincts kicked in. She even asked me, “would it help you if I touch your arm?”

In that moment, I almost got emotional. What’s a shame is that kindness is so foreign these days that coming in contact with it feels like a shock. Her name is Ellen, mother of three 40-something year old men. She’s from New Hampshire and now in Tallahassee with her family.

Talking with her helped me a lot. It gave my mind something to busy itself with.

5:41 p.m.

The flight attendant allowed me to walk over to the area between first class and economy. There’s a small space there to stretch and stand. I’ve been in this space since I started this blog, about an hour. I know I can’t stand here for the entire trip. It sure is giving me temporary relief.

The flight attendant whose name is Tira felt like a real angel.

She’s the one that told me I could stand in this area. She later checked on me and shared with me that she can relate. She suffers from anxiety as well. She was super helpful. She said “Let me know if I can help you, ok?”  

I held back tears. When you’re going through this, a kind voice goes a long way.

Trying hard not to bring attention to myself.

6:06 p.m.

Feels like I’ve been in this plane for at least 5 hours. LOL. I had to get back in my seat because there was turbulence and it’s unsafe for me to stand.

At this very moment I feel ok. Remember, as you read this, I’m literally using you to talk to so that I can maintain a peaceful mind. This is a weird version of talk therapy. I talk, you listen. Ha!!

It’s been a very long time since I’ve been to Paris. I don’t know what to expect, but I’m leaning towards playing a lot of exclusives. It’ll be good to see Lady Alma and Kapela.

7:01 p.m.

I’m doing ok. I’m having spurts of worry, but nothing that I can’t handle. Sitting in this chair is not good but I’m doing ok. Feels nice to have this IPad to write down these thoughts.

I should probably tell you about some things that I’ve got happening musically.

Lately, I’ve been doing music with my band in mind. Usually when I’m producing, I’m thinking of sounds that will move people to dance. I’m a DJ and sometimes when I’m producing, my DJ hat will show up and I produce music that I think would be DJ-friendly. Manoo and Kerri Chandler come to mind when I think of DJ-friendly records. That’s one of the many strong aspects of a Kerri or Manoo production, they know how to make a record that DJ’s will certainly love. They do it, seemingly effortlessly.

My records, lately, feature sounds that are organic as well as synthetic. I have some synth programs that I use, but mainly, the music is all played manually. The sounds I use are MOSTLY sounds that are not as techy. For instance, I use synth horns and real horns. The synth horns sound like real horns. I like that unprocessed live band feeling a lot. I still listen to mostly old records. Really old records. It’s the sound quality for me. The musicians coupled with the sound engineers, the lyrical content, the singing style, especially the types of instruments used back then, are all my faves. All of the things I love about music is usually present in Rock, Funk, Disco, Gospel, Jazz and even some Classical. I’m big on Bach, but Carl Orff has invaded my Classical space a lot lately. I suppose I’m just a fan of genres happening in the 1970s.

Most times, the music was recorded using a band of many musicians. The natural acoustics of the room were also recorded. It took plenty of people to make one record. The reverbs were all analog.

On the other hand, today in 2023, that whole process is done in my basement using only myself as an engineer, producer, musician. The processors and instruments are mostly from today’s instrument makers which makes the sound and feeling I love difficult to obtain.

I get it done, but you can imagine the amount of missed moments and magic that doesn’t take place with just one musician in the room. It’s kinda like trying to have a very productive and deep conversation alone.

8:27 p.m.

I’m in the back of the plane standing in another area for stretching. The flight attendants are all back here chopping it up about something. Seems like gossip, and it seems juicy.

Tira, the sweet attendant that helped me earlier, was walking down the aisle and apparently bumped into a sitting passenger.

Tira immediately apologized to the woman and it went something like this, “Oh excuse me, I’m so sorry to have bumped you, are you ok?”

The woman responded negatively. She claimed she wasn’t alright and it’s possible that something is broken. She is making a really big stink about this, holding her elbow. She even complained that Tira’s hips are too big! She said that enough to make another person react. The person mentioned to the woman that she is body-shaming Tira.

Tira was very professional and apologetic. I was getting angry. The lady is telling other passengers that the flight attendant’s big hips hurt her. It’s a silly mess that can get ugly because this woman is rude and is seemingly looking for trouble.

I was just sitting in the attendant’s seat. LOL. I know I’m not supposed to sit there, however nobody was there. So I took a chance. LOL. I was just asked to get up. It was worth a try.

9:48 p.m.

I still haven’t slept. The meds I need, I didn’t have. However, I have a doctor that called the prescription in to a pharmacist here in Paris. I was able to get meds! Yay! To a person with really bad anxiety, meds can be the most beautiful thing.

Tonight I’m having dinner with the promoter and Lady Alma. She’s so dope.

11:00 p.m.

Had dinner with the promoter, Lady Alma, Tone (her business partner and cousin) and his lovely wife. Sooooooo good to sit down and talk to her. When I was sick in 2021, Lady Alma checked on me. At that time, we didn’t really know each other. She was simply being kind to a fellow musician. That led me to love her as her newest brother. If you’ve ever been sick, you know how good it feels to be checked on when you’re at your worst. She did it so well. I felt checked on. I’m forever in her debt for that.

September 18, 2023

5:38 a.m.

It’s time to go back home. Would you believe that just now I’m feeling almost normal?

I played music last night. I think other than the meds, the music really played a big part in my healing. I was dancing! That felt nice. I got a chance to see and hear the great Greg Gauthier and Kapela, both very well loved and talented brothers. The jam I did with Terry Hunter and Mike Dunn is coming out soon. I played it and it killed!

8:34 a.m.

I’m on the plane. When I got on board, I saw the flight attendant and the crew that were on the plane coming here. They were genuinely happy to see me. That felt so nice. I can feel the sincerity. Parenthetically, kindness is so very underrated. The amount of good I felt when they all greeted me and asked how I was doing, was almost healing.

I felt very grateful for that.

About last night, the club was nice. It’s also a restaurant. The sound system was clear and easy to play on.

There were people that came from NY, Canada, London!!!!!! I don’t know about anybody else, but I am truly grateful when ANYBODY appreciates my music to the point they wanna see me in person. However, these people traveled from different countries to see me. I’m super grateful.

1:19 p.m.

Halfway to Atlanta. All of the flight attendants have checked on me at least twice. They really made me feel special.

I just realized that I left my computer at TSA. Two people got on my nerves really bad and I was distracted. I suppose I have to fill out the lost and found thingy. Overall I’m glad to be headed home.

Love you all.

Thanks for reading.